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My grandfather is a schmuck. Yet to him, that insult is doubly offensive, because he is also anti-Semitic. He tried to stop my father, who was raised Catholic, from marrying my mother, who was raised Jewish. He recently divorced my grandmother, after 58 years of marriage. My grandfather has told me many stories, most of which were either exaggerations for the more boring ones or altogether facetious, but always mind-numbingly dull. In fact, I have fallen …

…he went to college and then onto a profession, and they had children. My grandmother was blinded by his "generosity" and scammed into being his wife. He set out to use her from the beginning, to keep his scrawny derrière from getting blown up in a minefield. Perhaps, however, my grandmother had it right all along. He had an undiagnosed heart condition, for lack of better words. He didn't have a heart at all.